烟

狂咳。

昨天眼睛一分钟也没闭上。今天是什么日子？他不知道。知道的只是现在是白天不是黑夜。被时间遗忘了，对时间不再像以往的敏感。他没有很灵的语言天分，却很爱写。一得到灵感就燃烧了他写作的热情；打开笔电，写。

装乐观不是他最拿手的本事，可是在只能让人心一天一天地腐烂生锈的环境里，他已经算是乐观。在灰暗里的那一道光。哼，他不禁作了一副讥笑的脸，人还未见到这黑暗的一面。见到了后也只转向他们的神，深信奇迹发生拯救他们的自卑和绝望。神？他曾经和其他人一样，心存疑问和怀疑。不同的是他最终作的决定让其他信仰很深的人感觉恶心。对他而言，如果有天堂，他也不为了上天堂而活；如果有地狱，生命最终下地狱的过程里他也不会奢求神圣的怪物把他捞上天堂。他不是无神论；他特别尊敬他死去的亲戚祖先。但他把信仰看了再看，其中的漏洞和怀疑让他感觉，貌似只是一个带着美丽传说的弟子规。

找出他的烟纸和烟草，滚了一根肥大的烟。点亮，深呼吸。第一口烟都是最浓的。烟草的潮湿在火的热中被燃烧时放出来的，像云朵一样短暂的浪漫。

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试试找回那份写小品的感觉。待续

四月十四号

德语现在学到应该有30%了，差不多能随时随地直接说德语

近来也和我的同学喜欢上我的俄罗斯德语老师了，真的很难形容她，可是多么喜欢她都好，有些事始终是不可能的，如果有一天能够找到这么一位成熟可爱优雅的女生，我不会轻易放手

另一个我此刻在骂：自作多情！竟然乱对老师有幻想

可是... 谁不曾？

她在这里教了有八年了把，比其他老师稍微对语法严一点，每当用错语法她就会突然的爆发。当然，一个像她这样的人就算生气也不超过十分钟。不记仇，也许下一刻就可以跟你笑得很灿烂。也因为这样我们整班上她节的时候都不轻易开嘴乱表达，有的话也是没里字经过考虑选拔造成句子才吐出来。我的语法是因为她才会特别注意，然后进步

在古晋进师训前的面试，她 大老远从KL 这里飞到我老乡古晋去面试我唯一一个选德语的瓜。那时我们第一次见面。

这是我目前的党。

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要讲最近我怎样只能够用衰一字形容。现在是好一点了。可是上星期根本是命带着 troll面具在玩我。相机和我养的乌龟不见是我到现在还不爽中的最大的两件事。

看床底还剩下的相机充电器，还有客厅桌子上只剩下水的乌龟鱼缸好像遗体的残骸一样让人不禁伤心。

明年可能有机会去德国，当然是和全Cohort不是自己。机票有人赞助，所以得烦恼的只是待在德国一个月的开销吧。

好好练习德语，在德国还有可能找个女友

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上星期的考试考得还算过得去吧。成绩下星期才出，期待期待！

在考讲话的那一天，第一项“介绍自己”很完美地搞定，第二项讨论统计却乱掉。在班上的练习不够吧，可是幸好我临时挤出来的意见和看法应该有救到我一点点。第三项是和一个朋友讨论举行派对和一个解决事情的办法，乱讲了两三分钟后终于完了

砂劳越，霹雳，彭亨，登嘉楼
一个华人，四个马来人

这是我班的男人帮。

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之前在面书上载这个照片做Profile Picture，结果带来好多意见和声音

对大家，抽烟是一项自杀行为。不只这样，还是会危害旁人的健康的习惯。是一种会上瘾的习惯。是一种具有完全负面堕落不自爱的习惯

那...我的意见是这样

一个人抽烟不在大庭广众抽，危害不到别人的健康。
上瘾不上瘾是自己的意志力。我也许不曾看过有人的烟瘾会宁愿打枪偷盗去买包香烟，可是以我自己来做参考，抽不抽只是意愿。也许想让头轻一点，也许是吃太饱，也许是压抑，要让一点点的烟让脑不想太多，也许是要简单地要做样子，或是喜欢烟在舌头上的味道。可是戒不戒烟是一念之间，举起一根要不要烧亮的决定。

如果抽烟是这样能够控制的话，那其实对健康是没有太多的伤害。
一个人抽烟。一个人吃油腻不运动，一直到油包心。一个人喜欢飙车，自己的性命全放在方向盘上。一个人借毒品的力量补助自身缺乏的能力，并形成一种吸毒的习惯。哪一个死得早？

答案，是没有一个绝对。
我们每天在做的事都有危害到健康。抽烟只是太明显。其他的是绕过一大圈才爆发。

我不是一个抽烟习惯很重的人，可是我觉得，人太常用放大镜来看待这习惯了。

别太相信广告和电视，主流的看法和社会的思想限制。相信自己。

不要抽烟，抽了不要自卑。该停时就停。

一个重烟民需要的不是鼓励，而是一个够好的理由，为什么要放弃一个代表自己的习惯

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今天是星期六，在这里待差不多十个月了吧，到现在还很庆幸，能够在这里读书。

还有五年要读。五年！:)

First of April

Clock shows now 4:24 a.m. Here I sit in a cybercafe in salak selatan, just to kill time with some writing.

It has been again long since I last updated this blog, much has happened and unfortunately I don't have the time, if not the motivation to start the typing. Well, here I will go again, making a mark of the life I'm at right now for the purpose that I can read it later when I grow old, or that my children can know how his dad once lived.

It's as shown somewhere in the info of this post, the first of April. My first experience yet of staying outside until the next sunrise. I was in this evening bored as fuck. No one was actually around, except for Amir and some French students in my house. Intended to asked Derek out for a normal hanging out, reliving some old times, but too bad he went to Mid already. Feels like we had drifted apart in our friendship since some time ago, since we were so busy with our own different course and didn't had the motivation to even talk. What the fuck. Nevertheless, this is to be used to, things get only better.

So talking about things getting better, I have met my worst of luck in this week. First I lost my camera by leaving it in the bus on the way back from Deutsche Schule, fried my middle finger when making some potato wedges, friend broke my glass and I stepped on a piece of it, nearly slipped and fell more than twice but thank god I didn't. Mock exam is coming soon and my german essays are still getting ausreichen for schreiben. What comes next then?

As I was lying down at the edge of the lake around Taman Tasik Permaisuri, many thought have ran through my mind, the time I was back home in Kuching wherein I miss my dogs so so much; the girl whom I was in pursuit of, who eventually said that I have to be Christian for her to allow a date; my senior whom I still missed, who gave me a part of life that I will never let go of, who opened my eyes to realize what I want to find in a girl, who let me go through a relationship with not being together, letting me realize that when one really loves another, one would not care about who she belongs to but who is with her the most suitable and have the ability to make her happy, turned out that the end came rather quick but nevertheless was in a way a happy ending. And of course the most disturbing thought is nothing but my course in IPBA. I do not and will not regret this path that I've chosen, but to embrace it requires all that I can give. And unfortunately I have not given all of me for this part of life that will become the foundation of my future.

I'm making the effort to stop smoking, well, not that I'm making myself a big deal out of it, but it's going good by far. But I just don't see the reason for me to stop it, not besides that my senior mentioned above had advised me so. A smoker needs not the encouragement to stop himself from continuing the habit, but a simple good reason will be enough. And that is what I'm searching for.

The things that I wish to nicely accomplish now is to complete my german exams for this semester, and then maybe try again to get myself a girlfriend. So much trying, yet all have not made it's way to the end.

Guten Appetit!

二月七号