Once again I'm going to start this post by expressing an empty expression of how sorry I am to have not been writing a lot here. Yeah, long time no see, long time no hear.
This is not another complain about how bad my hostel in my institute is. This is going to be a reflection.
So far, this blog has been visited more than 4,000 times. Not a lot, but I'm grateful to whoever reads what I'm writing here. A lot of writers will write in their pages a thank you to the readers, I'm gonna do the same. Thank you, for reading and appreciating my posts. Hugs to those who gave feedbacks.
I just like writing. It's like chatting, but with a blank column with no replies. A hole for dumping whatever you think should be let out and thrown down into words on screen. You're reading, I'm writing. See the fun in it. And what makes it more fun is when you know someone is going to be sitting in front of another screen, reading and condemning, criticizing, smiling. But whatever it is, it's an appreciation of this work from my fingers. I'm going nowhere with this, just saying.
So, what has been happening. I'm 19, slightly anti-social, have a lot of opinions on things I see, I'm turning radical, being honestly careless as usual, knowing more people, failed in more tries in pursuit for love, faced my own demons, trying more things that people keep telling me not to and becoming more of a man than I used to be. Well, in my own version.
God this sounds so personal.
Have you ever sat alone, and swarm over what you have been doing with this life, thinking about who you were and who you are now, thinking about how you look like in the eyes of others, thinking about the current, fucked up past and the coming future, where you are probably going to expect surprises when you are not expecting any. Sometimes I think of this life like smoke, shaped random and undefined, uncontrolled, unguided, it can be anything it just turns out to be, the wind can change it and it will just follow the direction the wind blows, but the same colorless gray. Give it a blow and it just fades away, diffusing into the surrounding air. Short-lived and temporary. Life is a lengthened existence of a fading cloud of smoke.
This is a moment of a dark mind.
Don't tell me there's still many years ahead to go. Don't tell me that I've barely gone through anything.
No one knows if tomorrow is going to be the end. And up till now, this is what I feel and I'm stuck here until something comes and pulls me up from this dirt.
I don't beg for sympathy for this black corner of mine, but I'm giving a shout out to those who feel or have felt the same.
I'm disgusted by many I've seen who are hypocrites, unwilling to be direct which will make many things so much simpler when they do, also those who are just so deep under their version of ideal and reality that they cannot accept or even try to understand that of others.I'm disgusted by how people are blindly following the mainstream as they cower in the face of rejection and denial from those who are following the crowd. It's okay to be different. It's okay to stop following and live your own version of ideal. If your path is eventually the wrong one or whatever they say, know that there's no right or wrong on this sense, what's right for you is naturally the right choice.
By the way, to girl V and S, you broke me for a small period. Thank you for that. I'm just starting my collection of scars in my fucking heart. Thanks for giving me that glimpse of light, a false hope that kept me running towards that day I see love again like a mad dog. You've made me number. And I'm not saying this like a heartbroken man bitching and asking for sympathy and words of comfort. I'm madly angry and my rage has no end to it. A while ago I kept wondering if there was something wrong with me that make me deserve these rejections. That didn't took long before I decided to store away my little fucks to give, as I realize that the only problem here is you, V and S. Go fuck yourself.
"See a new beginning rise behind the sun, we can never catch up to them, as fast as we run."
-Marilyn Manson, Running to the Edge of the World
in a stronger age than this decaying, self-doubting present, he must yet come to us, the redeeming man, of great love and contempt, the creative spirit whose compelling strength will not let him rest in any aloofness or any beyond, whose isolation is misunderstood by the people as if it were flight from reality- while it is only his absorption, immersion, penetration into reality, so that when he one day emerges again into the light, he may bring home the redemption of this reality; its redemption from the curse that the hitherto reigning ideal has laid upon it. The man of the future, who will redeem us not only from the hitherto reigning ideal but also from that which was bound to grow out of it, the great nausea, the will to nothingness, nihilism; this bell-stroke of noon and of the great decision that liberates the will again and restores its goal to the earth and his hope to man; this Antichrist and Antinihilist; this victor over God and Nothingness- he must come one day."
-Friedrich Nietzsche, on the genealogy of morals